Remember our differences

How many women out there have spent time trying to explain your feelings about a situation, but instead of hearing you all the way out, he immediately tries to fix it with solutions that obviously won’t work? You respond in frustration, “You’re not listening!” Are there men out there whose wives give you too many “helpful” suggestions like she is trying to change you?

You are not alone.

Frustrated husbands and wives forget that each gender is different. Even though we speak the same language, live in the same house and do the same activities, men and women have many differences.

We want our spouse to want what we want, communicate like we do, and feel the same things as we feel. The truth is, they don’t and they never will. Why? There are real physical and biological reasons that account for our discrepancies.

These differences have contributed to more than a few disagreements in our marriage.

Let me explain.

A man values competency, self-sufficiency, and achievement. This is why men try to catch the biggest fish, drive the fastest car, climb the highest mountain or play a game where he can triumph with the most points.

This is why men are not as interested in the latest gossip or the relationship status of high profile people. Men like to talk about “things” that help them express their achievements, rather than feelings and relationships.

This is why a man gets so frustrated when he feels corrected or feels like he is being told what to do. When the man feels belittled, his self-worth is attacked. If a man gets advice without asking for it, it suggests that he isn’t able to do it on his own and is incompetent — and competence matters a lot to him.

Women value relationships, feelings, beauty, communication, and community. Women find fulfillment in nurturing, helping, and relating to one another.

When a woman is expressing a troubling situation, she is doing it in order to support her need for relationship — to help her feel close. But not to receive advice. Guys — the way that women express their love is to listen with empathy and seek to understand the other’s feelings. By expressing their feelings in this way, women experience fulfillment. In fact, research shows that this actually relieves stress in a woman’s brain, lowering her cortisol levels. A man finds fulfillment in providing solutions, and he could risk invalidating her feelings by proposing these solutions instead of listening with empathy.

To summarize, there are two main points we really want to drive home:

• How to talk to a man: Realize his need to feel respected and try to avoid giving unsolicited advice to help him “grow”. Let him know why you’re thankful for him or proud of him. Recognize his achievements — big and small.
• How to talk to a woman: Provide a listening ear and empathize with her feelings; avoid putting on the fix-it cap and just let her know that you’re truly hearing her.